Just a Fat Cow...that is the e-mail and blog address I chose to open this blog. It's what I say when I get dressed, then look in the mirror every morning. It's what I say to myself every time I walk past a window or mirror, or check myself in the mirror in a public restroom. "You're just a fat cow". I say it without even thinking about it. It just pops into my head.
So I decided to start a blog (my first ever!) as a "secret" place to write down the awful thoughts I have every day about being overweight...fat...ugly...old...and severely unhappy about all of it. I started a diet yesterday for the 7,923rd time. Maybe writing down my thoughts, having somewhere to unload this burden, will help me this time. I've come to the conclusion that - for me - it's NOT just a matter of "do some exercise and watch what you eat". It's not about willpower; Lord knows I've shown more of that in my lifetime than any skinny person ever will. It obviously runs much deeper than that, like down to my very core being.
I have an acquaintance who has been getting therapy for about 2 years to deal with these issues. But she is rich, doesn't work, and has no kids. She has time and money; I have neither. So I've resorted to creating this blog, in hopes that writing out all of my feelings will help get to the core of this huge issue in my life. Yes, I could write in a journal but I would be so afraid of someone in my family finding it. I will be writing about highly embarassing stuff. I will remain anonymous on this blog, keeping personal details that would lead anyone to the "real" me at a minimum. I truly hope no one I know ever reads this, as I would die of embarassment! I don't expect anyone to read this or leave comments, but if they do, I hope they will be encouraging and helpful (vs. snide and hurtful). Unless you struggle with this issue of being overweight, you can't even imagine how painful it is.
I will pull no punches. I will write how I really feel. I may use bad words (!). It will get ugly. If you are faint of heart, you may be offended or grossed out. But if you're in the same boat as I am, you will find a kindred spirit in me.