Resisting Temptations

I'm still at 222 but trying not to be depressed because it is PMS week, where I typically gain 5-6 pounds temporarily. I've been sticking to the low-carb plan, with only one exception (had a handful of M&M's on Saturday). I've walked for 40-45 mins every night even though it's been very hot and NOT fun. I even resisted a plateful of chocolate cupcakes that our neighbor brought over. It felt very good to resist them and to be able to brag about it later, LOL. I got the kids some frozen fruit treat things - mango and rasberry - that look absolutely delicious but are full of (natural) sugar. So those were my little accomplishments from last week. I'm also doing some long-put-off organizing of things around the house. For some reason, doing this relieves such weight from my shoulders and makes life easier in general - am I the only one?

The Start of a New "Diet"...

...or should I say "Weight Loss Effort"? I'm not following any specific diet program this time, at least for now. I'm going to start with just exercising, journaling, and low carb foods. I'm not talking Atkins-strict low carb here, just keeping carbs to a minimum. I know low carb works to give me a "start losing weight" boost, but I know it can't work in the long haul. A girl will eventually need her bread!

Monday, July 16, 2007
Weight: 222, Exercise: Swimming
Scrambled eggs with cheese
Diet Coke, 2
Water, large mug
SF vanilla latte (zero carbs)
Chicken strips
Broccoli

Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Weight: 220, Exercise: Walking, 1 hour
Quesadilla w/low carb wheat tortilla & cheese
Diet Coke, 2
Mozzarella sticks*
Snap peas w/ranch
Water, 2 large mugs/1 bottled
Caprese salad w/EVOO and Balsamic
SF cinnamon gummie dogs :)

* Yes, this is 'diet food', LOL. Cheese is low carb. I refrained from eating the marinara dipping sauce that came with; it is NOT so very low carb.

I started walking with a friend every night, about 3 months ago. We were in a really great groove for about 2 months, then summertime events kept interrupting us. We haven't walked the last 4 nights, although I did swim last night. I'm going to walk tonight, with or without her, LOL!
Edited: We did walk tonight, yay. I actually enjoy walking with someone. We just talk the entire time.

Today so far, I'm feeling good. My stomach is already growling at 10:48am. I keep thinking of a quote I read in People magazine several months ago, from one of those "I Lost 100 lbs!" ladies: "I'm not going to lie. You are going to go to bed hungry". That is a concept I constantly struggle with. Why do I always feel like I'm entitled to eat, I MUST eat, whenever my stomach growls? Like it's my right, my destiny, a given. I know in my brain that sometimes my stomach growls because I'm actually thirsty and I need water, not food. Yet every single time, I don't reach for the water, I reach for the food. Why can't I take the advice I've heard so often: If you're hungry, distract yourself with a walk, a hobby, a phone call to a friend? My brain knows intellectually that I should follow this advice, yet I reach for the food. It is a sure thing (I KNOW it will satisfy me). It is easier (I don't FEEL like putting on my tennies and going out in the heat). It is natural (I walk to the kitchen without even thinking). Okay, there are my reasons and they are part of why I'm fat. Now what am I going to do to change this?

Just A Fat Cow

Just a Fat Cow...that is the e-mail and blog address I chose to open this blog. It's what I say when I get dressed, then look in the mirror every morning. It's what I say to myself every time I walk past a window or mirror, or check myself in the mirror in a public restroom. "You're just a fat cow". I say it without even thinking about it. It just pops into my head.

So I decided to start a blog (my first ever!) as a "secret" place to write down the awful thoughts I have every day about being overweight...fat...ugly...old...and severely unhappy about all of it. I started a diet yesterday for the 7,923rd time. Maybe writing down my thoughts, having somewhere to unload this burden, will help me this time. I've come to the conclusion that - for me - it's NOT just a matter of "do some exercise and watch what you eat". It's not about willpower; Lord knows I've shown more of that in my lifetime than any skinny person ever will. It obviously runs much deeper than that, like down to my very core being.

I have an acquaintance who has been getting therapy for about 2 years to deal with these issues. But she is rich, doesn't work, and has no kids. She has time and money; I have neither. So I've resorted to creating this blog, in hopes that writing out all of my feelings will help get to the core of this huge issue in my life. Yes, I could write in a journal but I would be so afraid of someone in my family finding it. I will be writing about highly embarassing stuff. I will remain anonymous on this blog, keeping personal details that would lead anyone to the "real" me at a minimum. I truly hope no one I know ever reads this, as I would die of embarassment! I don't expect anyone to read this or leave comments, but if they do, I hope they will be encouraging and helpful (vs. snide and hurtful). Unless you struggle with this issue of being overweight, you can't even imagine how painful it is.

I will pull no punches. I will write how I really feel. I may use bad words (!). It will get ugly. If you are faint of heart, you may be offended or grossed out. But if you're in the same boat as I am, you will find a kindred spirit in me.